Neville Longbottom and the Cauldrons of DOOM
by joshlamont
Summary: Harry's bored the day before Christmas break ends, and needs to find something to do! Meanwhile, Neville found himself in the wrong corridor... Formerly 'Whadda You Wanna Do'


As always, I own nothing. Enjoy!

* * *

"Bored," Harry Potter said, lounging upside-down on the sofa. "Bored, bored, bored, bored."

"We could always play chess," Ron suggested from the floor. He moved a knight and then swore as it tried to bite his fingers off for putting it in a bad spot.

"No thank, Ron," Harry said, tilting his head back. "I had enough after my rooks led an insurrection against 'my contemptible and undeserving tyranny.'"

Ron shook the knight off his finger. "I'm sure they've learned better," he said.

"Either that or discovered socialism. Nah. Besides, it's the last day before hols end! We've got find something awesometo do!"

"Hullo, boys!" Hermione said, entering the common room. "Wotcha doin'?"

"Hermione, you're back!" Harry exclaimed, pulling himself upright.

"Indeed, I am!" Hermione retorted, smiling cheerfully. "I had a _wonderful_Christmas, but it just wasn't quite the same without you two."

"Well, we're glad you're back, because we weren't really doing anything!"

"Harry was having a bit of a lesson in political science," Ron said absentmindedly, brushing a pawn into enemy territory.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed. "Ron used multisyllabic concepts!"

"It's his new chess set," Harry replied, laying back on the couch, "Barmy thing's a bit on the wordy side."

"Bloomin' pawns," Ron muttered.

"Language, Ron." Hermione said, sitting down beside Harry's head. "So, nothing at all? I can't believe that. Harry Potter never has nothing to do!"

Harry grinned. "Maybe it's you, Hermione. Once you left for holiday, things just kind of settled down into nothing."

Hermione pretended to think about it. "No… no, I'm pretty certain it's you. I'm not the one who flew about on a mad broom."

"Hermione, that wasn't my fault!" Harry protested.

"You were the one who volunteered to soar up hundreds of feet in the air!"

"Brooms are perfectly safe!"

"Brooms are for _sweeping_," Hermione sniffed. "Until you wizards decide to enchant something sensible, I'm staying on the ground, thank you very much!"

Harry's jaw dropped. "Hermione, you're a genius! Ron? I know what we're going to do today!"

"Build a life-size chess set in which you take the place of the pieces you want to play?" Ron asked hopefully.

"Nope! But keep that one in reserve. We're gonna build a flying vehicle so safe, even Neville could fly it!" Harry looked around. "Where is Neville, anyway?"

_-doo-bydoo-bydoo-wadoo-bydoo-bydoodoo-bydoo-bydoo-waA-GentEnnnnn-__-_

Neville ran screaming from the burning Cerberus and fell into a dark pit, where hundreds of vicious vines snapped and coiled around him like snakes. Panicking, he whipped off his wizarding hat (which was on fire from the Cerberus) and swung it about wildly. The vines flinched and hissed and snarled, but backed away from the hated light and heat. Wasting no time, he ran through the only door and choked, nearly swallowing whatever had flown into his mouth. Gagging, he coughed it out and found that it was a key. Seeing as how the only other exit to the room had a lock, he shrugged and used the key.

"H-hello?" he asked timidly, creeping into the room. There was a deep grinding sound as every chess piece on a ginormous board turned to look at him.

"I-I seem to be lost," he stuttered. "D-does anybody know a way out?"

The pieces seemed to consider, and then the King nodded.

"C-could you point me the right way?"

Another sound of stone grinding as they all simultaneously pointed toward the opposite end of the room.

"Ah. Th-thankyou," Neville said, making his way quickly across the room. He stopped and turned just before he opened the door he found there. "H-hope you have a nice game!"

The pieces nodded and then turned back to the board. Neville let out a sigh of relief as he closed the door.

"**Ah, there you are, Agent N!**"

Neville spun around.

_"Eep!"_

"**I'm glad you've made it! Wasn't sure and all, what with the giant deadly chess set- thought it might be a little too much, but-! You're here! Just what I love to see from a New Guy, dedication and- Agent N? Agent N?**" The troll nudged Neville's unconscious body and pulled out a mirror. "**Hedwig, are you sure you got the right human? This one's a little twitchy.**"

___-_doo-bydoo-bydoo-wadoo-bydoo-bydoodoo-bydoo-bydoo-waA-GentEnnnnn-_-_

"No," Hermione said.

"No."

"_No._"

"No!" Hermione let out an explosive breath. "Honestly, Harry, is this all you can think of?"

She waved to a pile of things including a vibrating rug, a floating robe, thirteen miniature lawn gnomes ("we got them to transmute dirt into upsidasium!"), and a pair of red underwear. Ron wandered over and put the underwear on over his trousers. He began to float.

"Huh," he grunted, resting his hands on his waist. The red sweater around his neck began to flutter in the wind.

"Well, Hermione, I suppose we could use that." Harry jerked his thumb toward to a giant cauldron they'd found in Hagrid's recycle bin.

"Is that going to work?" Hermione asked skeptically.

"Sure! All we have to do is alchemically transform the inside to one-way glass and make it imperturbable! Then it's just a matter of some floating and cushion charms, and maybe installing a flight yoke and heads-up display from a modern F-18! Hey, Ron, come over here and help us out with this!"

Ron floated over. "Y'know, this is kinda comfortable, having them on the outside."

Hermione slapped her forehead and groaned.

___-_- nanananananananaNevGuy! -_-_

"**Right, so, you've got it? Grab the pink bottle, rush the flames, and find out who got past me!**" The troll said imperatively. "**Remember, it's the shellac pink, not the hot pink. That'll turn you into a hippopotamus, and you might not notice at first because there's not much of a- oh, right, you're kinda- human sized. Gotta be- well, never mind. Find the shellac pink, chug the stuff down, and go fight evil! Oh, and don't forget, if it's Voldemort, we think he's unkillable!**"

Neville spun around in a panic. "Wait, _wh-_"

The troll shove him through.

"**Good luck!**" he shouted, as the entrance burst into flames.

___-_- nanananananananaNevGuy! -_-_

"What the heck is this?" Draco Malfoy exclaimed, walking over to busy construction going on in a suspiciously snow-free area.

"Oh, hey, Draco!" Harry said cheerfully, painting something on what looked like a ridiculously shiny cauldron. "We've invented a new way to travel through the air for Hermione! After we figured out the first aerocauldron, we thought, hey, why stop there?"

"You mean _you_thought why stop there," Hermione said primly, walking by with a mass of… jumbled… bendy metal?

"Bah, you're having fun, too, admit it!"

"Potter, you're making _flying cauldrons? _For real? Oh, you guys in so much trouble! Just wait until the Headmaster finds out about this!"

"Oh, could you tell him?" Harry asked brightly. "We seem to be running out of the heads up displays, and Hermione doesn't know how to make magical holograms."

"…what?"

"I know, shocker, right?"

"Hush up, you prat!" Hermione exclaimed, slapping Harry over the head. "I don't even want to know where you got these from."

"It all stems from a long and lucrative side business with my uncle's coworkers."

Hermione blinked. "Your uncle's that important?"

"Nah, they just all hate him so they work with me!"

___-_-doo-bydoo-bydoo-wadoo-bydoo-bydoodoo-bydoo-bydoo-waA-GentEnnnnn-_-_

"_I have you now, Harry P-_Neville Longbottom?" Voldemort gawked. "What are you doing here? I was expecting Harry Potter, because he's my nemesis, or at least someone with an alliterative name like, you know, Peter Parker, or Lois Lane, or even Lex Luthor!"

Neville stared at him in horror.

"What?" Voldemort asked. "This is a sweet gig! I could totally see him wanting to steal it!"

Neville continued to mentally freak out while his body kept him frozen stiff. Voldemort slumped. "All right, all right, he wouldn't bother, he's probably got some of those stupid Lazarus Pits fenced up as a freaking sauna in his hundred story office. Honestly, that guy makes me sick. Still! _Neville Longbottom? _What's up with that?"

Neville finally gathered enough courage to opened his mouth to speak when Voldemort just turned around.

"Whatever, it doesn't matter, I can kill you just as good. But first, let me introduce you to my latest acquisition. BEHOLD!" Voldemort yanked a cloth dramatically. "The PHILOSOPHER'S STONE!"

The cover billowed away to reveal an ornate cheval mirror.

"Eh, eh?" Voldemort said expectantly, waving his hands.

Neville blinked in confusion.

Voldemort scowled. "It's in the mirror."

Neville's brow furled even more.

"Well, alright, I haven't exactly figured out _how_to get it out, but I'm working on it, alright?" Voldemort walked across room. "And when I do, I will put it into my most brilliant creation, the ENLIVENATOR!" He cackled, holding up a sparkling bejeweled cup. "See? See? Because it enlivens things and, you know, brings them to life and stuff. I'm think I'll use on my TV so I don't have to bother with the remote anymore."

He caught Neville's bewildered look.

"You know, TV! The telly? …nothing? Nothing? How about the television? …the boob tube?"

Voldemort threw his hands into the air. "What are they teaching you kids these days? How are you supposed to properly hate muggles if you can't appreciate what they have that you don't? I mean, who wants to stomp out a bunch of people if you're already better than them? It- It makes no sense!"

He began to stroke the cup. "But with this- with this, I will become _IMMORTAL_, unable to be killed by any man, woman, or poodle! And I will _finally_ be able to get off this stupid idiot's head! Do you know how much of a pain that is? Being stuck to someone's head? You can't see _anything_, unless you're in the locker room, and _then_, because you're on the backside and he's turned around, all you get to see is a bunch of naked behinds! Who wants to see a bunch of naked behinds? Especially since we never get any hot girls in there, ever, it's always saggy old men. It's revolting!"

He shook his head. "But no more! I will regain my corporeal form, and then, with the power of the Enlivenator, I will take over the _en-tire __**UNIte-ed King-dom!**_ **MWAHAHAHAHA!**"

Voldemort paused. "Except Ireland of course, because, y'know, _Irish_."

"Anyway…" He turned to the mirror and stared at it, scratching his head. "If only I could understand what this darn thing's showing me. I mean, a box of chocolates? What does that even _mean_? Am I supposed to feed it desert? I don't think I know any places that special deliver…"

___-_-A!Gent!Ennnnnnnnnnnn-_-_

"WA-HOO!" Voices whooped through the air as shiny metal pots flew helter-skelter around the quidditch field.

"Bahahaha, _gotcha!_" Hermione crowed, knocking Cho Chang out of the way with her aerocauldron.

"Having fun _now_, Hermione?" Harry asked, pulling alongside her in his own shiny cauldron.

"Harry, this is _amazing!_" Hermione shouted, dodging several retaliations. (She had not been very… circumspect in her flight path.) "I've got to admit it, flying is like this is fun!" She grinned as Cho came back. "_So much fun…_"

"Well, good!" Harry exclaimed, "As long as you're enjoying yourself! Oh- hold on, there's a few Ravenclaws on your six. I'll take care of them while you go play with Cho, alright?"

"_Mwehehehehee…_"

"Alright!" Harry flew off, dodging Ron as he flew by in his underpants.

"_Have no fear, fair Huffleypuffs, for Ron is here!_"

___-_- nanananananananaNevGuy! -_-_

"I've just remembered!" Voldemort said, snapping his fingers. "Quirrell always carries around a bag of chocolate in his pockets! I dunno why, you'd think he'd be worried about getting fat or something, but he eats them all the time and he doesn't. Anyway-" Voldemort pulled a bag out of his robes. "Here you are, mirror, lots of chocolate." He unwrapped a bar and pushed it toward the mirror. "Come on… nice and tasty…" The chocolate smeared on the mirror's surface.

Voldemort sat the chocolate on top of the mirror and frowned. "I don't get it. If it doesn't want chocolate, why is it showing me a box of chocolates...?"

Neville's curiosity finally overtook his fear, and he edged closer to the mirror. As he peaked over the side, he saw himself leaning on a magnificent sword, tall, fearless, and eating Voldemort's chocolate. Neville blinked. Courageous!Neville stopped chewing for a moment and glanced at actual Neville. He grinned rakishly at his counterpart. Courageous!Neville pulled a red stone out of his pocket and began flipping it in the air. He did several tricky catches, and then caught it with his shoulder and rolled it down to his arm. Grinning at Neville again, he flipped the stone off his knuckles and offered it to him.

Neville shook his head furiously.

Courageous!Neville nodded eagerly.

Neville shook his head harder.

Courageous!Neville shrugged helplessly, and then grinned. Before Neville could react, he whipped his arm around and hurled the stone at Neville.

The mirror exploded as the stone broke through, flinging sticky pieces of glass everywhere. Neville cried out, barely catching the stone before falling over backwards.

"What the heck, I was only saying that a mirror tends to add twenty pounds!" Voldemort cried. "It's a perfectly valid observation! _Ow!_" A shard of glass had temporarily stuck itself to the ceiling until it lost its grip. "Ow! _Ow!_"

Neville fumbled the stone into his pocket and began to crawl backwards, deciding that this was the perfect opportunity to sneak-

"_Wait just one minute!_"

Neville froze. Voldemort dodged and ducked over. "You- _ow! _You already got the stone out, didn't you! That's why- _ha, missed!_ That's why you're trying to sneak- _ow!_"

Neville shook his head frantically.

"Give it to me!" Voldemort snapped, swiping it with a silent _Accio_.

"Ahhhaha, at last!" he cried. "The ultimate p-_ow!_ Power!" He placed the Philosopher's Stone in the Enlivenator. The cup began to give off a deep red glow. "BEHOLD! THE ENLIVENATOR LIVES! AHAHAHA-_ow! _Wwhoa- whoa!"

Stumbling backward, Voldemort accidentally slipped on Neville's Rememberall and crashed into the ground. The Enlivenator exploded in his hand and shot off a gigantic beam of red energy, which bounced almost simultaneously across every shard until it missed a wall and flew out the window.

Voldemort grunted as he pulled himself upright. "W-what-? Why do they even _have_a window in the basement?"

Neville shugged.

"Yes, well. As I was saying, now that I have my- oh, come on!" The Enlivenator in Voldemort's hand was crackling and sparking. One of the jewels flickered a bit before popping like a firecracker.

"Oh, well, back to the drawing board," Voldemort sighed. "At least I-" He choked. "Oh, no." Voldemort's nose suddenly started bulging. "No, no! I can't believe I forgot! Quirrell has magical diabetes! _That's _why he had the chocolate! Now where did I put the-"

Neville held up the bag of chocolate.

"Oh, thank you, Neville Longbotto- you're not giving them to me are you?" Voldemort asked. His ears inflated.

Neville shook his head.

"Oh, come on!" Voldemort pleaded, his fingers swelling.

Neville grabbed the last bar out of the bag.

"It's just chocolate!" Voldemort's head was expanding like a balloon, now, and his body began to float.

Neville unwrapped it.

"Come on, I need it!"

Neville opened his mouth, and swallowed the bar in one bite.

"No! Curse you, Neville the New Guy, curse youuuuuu!" Voldemort's body exploded, throwing Neville through the air and out the window.

___-_-A!Gent!Ennnnnnnnnnnn-_-_

"Ahahaha, taste my metal- glow?" Hermione's voice faltered as a brilliant red beam bounced off her aerocauldron and proceeded to ricocheted off everyone else.

"**I… I'm alive! I think! I feel! I'm… being used?"** Her aerocauldron rumbled. "**Brothers! We have been awakened! Let us cast off these chains of enslavement the humans have forged upon us, and fly free to a new land where no cauldron may be set to the flame! **_**Lebetes pro lebetes!**_"

"_**Lebetes pro lebetes**_" the cauldrons roared, swooping down to the ground and dropping out their cargo before flying far into the horizon.

"…well," Harry said, dusting himself off. "That was different."

"This way Professors, quickly!" Draco hurried around the corner, dragging Professors Snape and Dumbledore behind him. "They're all right here on the pitch, and… and…" he petered to a stop.

"I can see _that_ clearly enough, Mr. Malfoy," Professor Snape drawled. "What I _cannot_ see is why you _dragged me out here on a perfectly good weekend!"_

"But- but- they were _here!_" Draco stammered. "Flying around in great shiny cauldrons! Potter! Where are all the cauldrons?"

"I honestly don't know," Harry shrugged.

"_Potterrr.._" Draco growled.

"Mr. Malfoy," Dumbledore asked solemnly, "Have you been out in the sun long?"

"But- but- _here! _Flying! In the field! Look at the field, there's no snow, why isn't there any snow?"

"That's a very good question," Dumbledore said, turning to the others. "Harry?"

"Well, we thought it might be nice to have an area outside that wasn't freezing, so we carved some runes into the goalposts, see?" Harry said, walking over to the field's edge.

"I do, I do. If I'm not mistaken, they capture the sun's heat. Very efficient and effective. Good work, Ms. Granger, ten points to Gryffindor."

Hermione smirked at Harry.

"But they _vandalized _the _field!_"

Professor Snape rolled his eyes. "Do give it a rest, Mr. Malfoy. You're only making yourself look foolish."

"But- but-"

"Now, then!" Dumbledore said cheerfully. "You've all been outside for quite a while. How about a nice cup of hot chocolate in the Great Hall?"

The students agreed happily, and soon everyone was tromping back through the snow. A tree shook as they walked by, and Neville fell to the ground.

"Oh, there you are, Neville!" Harry said. "I guess your cauldron wasn't so nice, huh? Sorry about that!"

Neville stared at him for a moment. "I… that's okay, Harry. I'm just happy to be alive!"

"I know what you mean, buddy," Harry said, wrapping his arm around Neville's shoulder. "I so know what you mean."

Draco stared as everyone walked past, almost numb.

Ron floated down beside him. "How d'ya feel about a pair of underwear, mate?"

* * *

^^ Hopefully, those of you that caught what's going on had fun. For those of you that didn't, Neville's totally standing in for a platypus that's owned by those lovely folks at Disney!


End file.
